When I was around eighteen, I took to the clubs and the bars. I started wearing revealing clothing. Teeny tiny shorts and teeny tiny tank tops… even to my job as a bleached-blond bartender. The more skin the better.
I still like to wear less clothing sometimes…. but the reasons I do it have changed. Back then, I didn’t do it because I love to feel free in my body. I did it to sexualize myself. I did it for validation. I did it to attract attention… to attract men. There was no real Pleasure in it. It was all external. Fleeting.
I often wondered what might be wrong with me if I didn’t turn a man’s head when I walked by. Did I need to turn it up a notch? Even less clothing? A bigger push-up bra? More sexy?
In my mid-twenties, I did an about face. I began wearing baggy cargo shorts that hung to below my knees. Esoteric band t-shirts. Ironic t-shirts. Black socks with clunky soldier-like shoes. Nerdy glasses with no makeup. I cut my own hair. I rejected everything about that girl I was just a few years before. I turned my nose up at women who dressed sexy.
I remember being at a concert with my boyfriend, spying a girl wearing a blue feather boa. I rolled my eyes at him as if to say, “Look at her. God… women are so ridiculous.”
He replied by saying, “I think that’s sexy.”
Wait…. Whaaaaaat?????
My world turned upside down once again.
Thus began my curious search for what “sexy” really was. I began to observe women who I thought were sexy and discovered it had very little to do with their clothing, although I did notice that they Wore their clothes. Their clothes didn’t wear them.
They were Confident. Self-assured. They had a sense of humor and a twinkle in their eye. Ease and grace. They stood tall and took up space, but not in a needy way… they just owned it… effortlessly. They emoted and felt and moved through their stuff, but not in a sloppy way. It was contained…. not suppressed… Contained.
They struck a playful balance of the masculine and feminine.
They were Sexy from the Inside Out.
I was on my way to Reclaiming my Sexuality, which inherently is tied in to Reclaiming the Inner Yoni. Effortless Power. Sexy Confidence. Fluid Grace. That internal Knowing.
When we reclaim our sexuality, we reclaim our sexiness as Ours. It’s there to empower us. We take pleasure in it. It’s Our pleasure. It’s not about sex, although a more satisfying sex life is often the by-product and can serve to reinforce that reclamation.
May every woman feel sexy from the inside out.
Jai Maa!
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